What is the worst thing that ever happened to you?
In my case, it happened to my son, but it was also happening to me, our whole family, and friends, and staff at the book store. At the age of eighteen, away at college for the first time, Ben began to lose his vision. At first he thought he just needed a new prescription but when he returned home for Spring Break, the tower began to crumble. He had a brain tumor which was between his pituitary and optic chiasm, which was pressing on the optic nerves and killing his eyesight at a frighteningly rapid pace. It took eight weeks to diagnose an extremely rare form of cancer called a mixed germ cell tumor. The treatment was long and barbaric and awful and necessary and it broke me. Surgery which knocked out his entire pituitary function for life, followed by six rounds of in patient chemotherapy and forty rounds of proton radiation . Nine months from his diagnosis date of May 22nd, 2015, Ben emerged from treatment with half his eyesight, six medications a day for the rest of his life, weighing eight-five pounds, and we all had a new life to adjust to.
This is extreme I know, however, this is the feeling the Tower card can evoke. Nothing can ever be the same. Life is disrupted, hijacked even. Change has been hoisted on you against your will.
Babel
Think for a minute about the Tower of Babel. The Babylonians built the structure to be closer to God, perhaps to be more like God, disobeying the order to spread out and live the gospels. In response God made it so the people could no longer understand each other and had to stop work on the tower, and they spread out and that explains the different languages we have today. In the Tower card you see all the flames scattering out of the Tower, and they are shaped like the Hebrew letter Yod, of which all the other letters are created.
Change From the Ashes
So, I’ve told you the worst thing that ever happened to me, and how it created a cosmic change in the way I led my life. There is nothing good about cancer and all it makes us. I developed PTSD in 2017. I lived in a state of constant hypervigilance, peppered with the occasional becoming more frequent panic attacks. The cancer treatment was over, though of course there were follow ups and all the rest. But I was deeply troubled and for the first time ever, at the age of 50 sought out a therapist. I was literally not coping. However, this was the liberation, the cosmic redirection I needed in my own life.
I went through a ten week CBT based PTSD therapy which was quite useful, and what I realized afterward was that I had a lot of shit to unpack from my past and that maybe it was the right time to do it. Ben returned to college, as well as my younger son Jacob, and I could take some space. I began to see Rebecca weekly for psychodynamic therapy (talking) and I still see her today five years later. Our conversations began with me crying for most of out time together, and talking about the big impacts from my childhood and teen years, as well as my current issues. Now our check ins are somewhat more mundane but always worthwhile.
Your Towers
When the Tower card turns up for you it doesn’t mean your kid is going to get cancer. But it does mean there may be a shake up, an unexpected one perhaps, which may not be pleasant, but will provide release and liberation to live differently.
It is no coincidence that the Tower appears directly after the Devil in the Major Arcana. The honesty faced in the Devil card can cause some disruption, and this disruption, depicted in the Tower card is just what the doctor ordered. When we see this card, it may bring up ideas about fear and destruction, the people falling from the tower amid flames and smoke (I know, can bring up some images of 9/11). The Tower is a card of disruption, a major shake up. Look at the crown at the top of the tower as well as the crown that remains atop the woman’s head, even though she is upside down. It is really hard to let go of our materialism living in a capitalistic society.
We build our structures, physical, psychological, spiritual. The structure protects us and makes us feel safe, until it is time to grow again. Change is inevitable, and if we are smart and lucky, we can evolve with it. Remember the Death card, the inevitability of change, followed by the Devil card a few cards later, which reminds us to face the hard stuff and make the changes we need to be healthy. Now we have another card of change, which reminds us the protective structures we build around us aren’t always as strong as we think they are, or would like them to be. The Tower card may remind us to make sure our structures are sound, which requires care and time.
I’d love to hear from you.
Monthly Tarot Circle
Our first monthly tarot circle for paid subscribers will meet on Sunday, November 13th at noon PST for an hour. I will send an e mail with the link the week before. We will draw cards and discuss, and I will also be available for Q&A. If you would like to join us, please subscribe below.
To Burst Asunder-The Worst Thing
Wow--what a tower experience you've had! The strength it takes to pull yourself through all that is laudable. I'm glad Ben is through it and you're all learning how to live with the new normal. My breast cancer was easy compared to Ben's but --same thing-- a collapse of a structure I was used to and took for granted.
(P.S. - We're the same age!)