Resentment

Five of Swords

I had a different post planned for today. I’ve been having a rough time the past couple of weeks, haphazard problems, physical and emotional, trying to get settled down. You’ll hear about that next week. But last night I found out a very good man who I hadn’t seen recently but who was very important to Chris and me and the kids during their elementary school days, suddenly passed away over the weekend.

My friend Anne was in a tough marriage. She and her husband Mark and two boys lived just a block away from us in our old neighborhood in Shoreline, Washington. Ben and Dermot were in the same grade and tolerated each other but weren’t close. But Anton and Jacob, even though Anton was a year older than Jacob, became best friends, the best kind of friends. They walked to school together every day, most days played after school, and had sleepovers on the weekend. Our families were completely connected, even as Anne’s marriage broke up. Anne is a strong and talented woman from a poor Polish immigrant family in New Jersey. She is an artist, a librarian, a swimmer, dancer, skier, and ukulele player. Those last three activities came after Mark left.

Raising two boys almost essentially alone was tough for Anne. She worked her ass off to provide for them and mostly kept the best attitude. But it was hard and she leaned on us and also gave us so much. Our families vacationed together and she and I did a couple of triathlons together during this in between period, when being single was new to her. The exercise was a release and she always demonstrated to me what healthy habits looked like, and she was still really fun. We both loved being in the water and swimming with our boys was a regularly scheduled program.

I can’t remember exactly when she decided to try dating but it was a couple of years after being alone. She answered an ad on Craig’s List and went on a date with a man named Tim. I think that first date was a dancing date. Then there were skiing dates, and music dates and it was immediate and obvious, they fell in love. Tim worked at Boeing and had for decades. But boy was he a renaissance man. He had so much energy which matched Anne’s. He supported whatever she wanted to do, and introduced her to all kinds of new activities. He wasn’t broke, and I got the sense this was the first time Anne had ever been wined and dined. Theirs was a beautiful relationship.

They sold their houses and bought a bigger one close by so the boys would stay in the school district and be close to their Dad. Then they quietly got married. I was sad to have them move but it was a great opportunity for all of them to build a new life together. We still saw them all the time and we became good friends with Tim. He was one of the most generous people I ever met. He also knew how to party. We drank and smoked together, and ate incredible food. He was a stylish man who loved hats. If Tim was coming to a party, it was guaranteed to be fun. His sense of humor was amazing and always had us laughing.

As middle school approached for Anton and Jacob was still a year behind, something shifted in Anton. It must have been moving on to the bigger kids school, but I think he decided Jacob was a liability, or maybe he just didn’t like him much any more. For Jacob and for me, it was tragic. Jacob was devastated. He would call to see if Anton wanted to get together and Anton’s response was always no. It was a horrible break up, at least for us. I tried to figure out how to save things but as all mothers know, there are some problems with our kids which can’t be solved by us. I was sad that Anne wasn’t more upset about it. I think she took the mature route, knowing that things change with kids’ relationships and that it wasn’t her job to fix. I was sad, and then I was mad. In those days I was the queen of ghosting, before the term was even invented.

As Jacob moved into middle school, and both kids were in band together but not friends any more, I decided that if Anton and Jacob weren’t going to be friends, then I wouldn’t be friends with Anne and Tim any more. I was pissed off and completely immature. I would go so far as to say that the abandonment Jacob felt activated something raw and old in me. While everyone else around me had moved on, Jacob discovering a new group of buddies who he lives with now at age 24, Anne and Tim enjoying a full and exciting life together, Chris rolling his eyes at my behavior, I decided to feel resentful and ignored them whenever they approached me at a school event. I was an idiot and a relationship which could have been salvaged and maintained in spite of changes in the kids’ relationships was thrown away.

Years passed, my kid got cancer, I got some therapy and my anger didn’t seem real to me any more. I wrote Anne a letter apologizing for my poor behavior. Her response was kind and cordial. She accepted my apology and filled me in on her life but no plans to get together were suggested. We were still friends on Facebook so I saw that she was still living a wonderful life with Tim, so wonderful she didn’t feel compelled to post very often. Tim posted a bit more often, skiing photos, trips to Leavenworth (he played accordion to Anne’s ukulele), beach trips, and dancing photos. They were the happiest couple I’ve ever seen. They one hundred percent accepted and respected one another. It was obvious to anyone around them.

And then last night on Facebook I saw that Tim had suddenly died. Anne posted wonderful photos of them both. As always and as I expected, she is being strong and stoic. There is a memorial planned in a few weeks at the Elk’s Club. I will be there hat in hand. My resentments robbed me of time I could have enjoyed with them both. This shift enables me to repair what I can with Anne some more, and help where I can as well. I will be there for her and her boys different but similarly to how I was there for her when her marriage dissolved. If she’ll have me.

The Five of Swords reminds us to put down our pettiness, that hoarding our feelings and not sharing is ridiculous, that resentments are so harmful, ultimately to ourselves. If there is someone you wish you were back in contact with, someone who you love but for whatever reason let get away, call, write, communicate with them today. I wish I’d had one last chuckle, toast and hug with Tim.