Money To Burn
Money and the 5's
A dear friend of mine is going through some challenges with money. We did a tarot reading yesterday for the full moon in Aquarius, and for August, and to hold space for what comes next for her. She took some money risks this past year and they haven’t exactly turned out the way she wanted. She left the corporate world to become an entrepreneur and spend more time with her family. I asked her if she regretted making the change. She responded no, because even though life is extremely difficult financially right now, she followed her calling, and she now has to, really gets to, confront her complicated and sometimes dishonest relationship with money.
Another close friend of mine similarly wants to live life on her own terms, wants to be self-employed and not run on the hysterical hustle treadmill of entrepreneurship, but still be able to pay the rent and buy a coffee if she chooses to. Balancing running your own business and not constantly hustling for the next gig seems like a contradiction, but she and I both believe it is possible, though sometimes it is so hard to stand still and wait.
I have a complicated relationship with money. I’ve always let it flow versus keeping track of exactly how much I’m spending and on what, and sometimes I end up in a situation where no, I don’t pay off my entire credit card in full every month. And there is a little voice continually chattering in the back of my head about it, post-it notes with two columns for ins and outs, reframing that all is ok, when there is definitely a question of whether that’s true or am I just convincing myself to make sure I don’t have to look my spending in the face.
Money is an emotionally loaded subject for so many of us. We keep it close to our chests except with the select few who either share bank accounts with us, or who we feel we can talk about our shortcomings with it. America is fucking hard. The expectation that we can keep it all together, pay all our bills, manage the “lifestyle to which we’ve become accustomed,” is so laden with bullshit it makes my stomach turn. And believe me I understand my perspective as a middle-aged white lady is completely biased, and I am absolutely coming from a position of entitlement, but what I am talking about is maintaining this sense of “everything is fine” when often it isn’t, when sometimes the bank account can be dangerously close to zero, and the juggling which ensues to keep it all afloat, well it’s exhausting. And it’s painful. And how we handle money can somehow make us feel like failures when we can’t keep it all going.
I’m here today to tell you that if you are self-employed or an entrepreneur or someone who doesn’t work in the corporate framework, and are finding it challenging to live in America, maintaining some semblance of a middle income life, trying to meet all of your own needs and the ones of those you love, and if maybe you weren’t born or trained to manage your money very well, you might think it’s all your fault. Except it isn’t. It most certainly is your responsibility, because who else’s could it be? But as we get bombarded with more and more ways to fix ourselves with products, and stuff and stuff and stuff, we are buying into it AND buying more of it. AND IT (all that stuff) DOESN’T MATTER. It provides a dopamine hit, like the first glass of wine or a bowl of chocolate ice cream (which we do at times certainly want and can have). In my opinion, it is all this stuff which is burdening us and and making it harder and harder to stay afloat. It's the little purchases, and I do mean stuff, but in my situation it includes apps and subscriptions. For me it's the FOMO on the next cool shiny experience that might “fix” me even though rationally I know I am not broken.
I’m not necessarily advocating for “buy nothing” or “simple living” or any of those other programs for spending less. What I am trying to highlight is that those of us who have chosen to live a less conventional life in terms of how we support ourselves, need to also look at how we spend our money less conventionally, which involves unplugging from the scrolling buy buy buy loop we can fall into, as well as looking at our spending honestly, asking ourselves if we are filling a real need/desire, or if we are mindlessly filling some emotional deficit which can’t actually be satisfied. I am actively working on this and will report back.
The Fives
When we think of deficits in cash on hand, this is the card that usually pops up. The Pentacles represent resources, financial and otherwise, the earth, the way we operate on earth, what we have and don’t have, and yes how we spend our money. The figures on this card are in trouble. Yet they move forward through the snow, and the light from the stained glass church windows represents hope for the future, if they can look for and take opportunities. It is winter in this card, and that’s what it feels like when money is low and nothing seems to be growing or popping up. The most important message of this card is that times are troubled, but all is change. This too will pass, and we have the opportunity to own where were are at and improve the situation. The card is still tough though.
Five of Cups
The Five of Cups is the proverbial crying over spilled milk when there is still a gallon in the fridge. Cups are the seat of our emotions, and money is an emotionally fraught subject, as I have highlighted previously. When we have mis-stepped it is so easy to fall into self-pity and beat ourselves up. As I said before, we blame ourselves entirely when we are only partially to blame for not playing all the “correct” moves in this capitalist society. But here we are and it is critical we turn around and pick up the cups behind us, trying not to spill them, and move on. Cups are tied to the element of water and water will flow, and spill and we need it to survive. Change is inevitable.
Five of Swords
There’s a storm brewing on this card and when related to our behaviors around money, the word is deceit, and I would argue more than anything self-deceit and secrecy. Our shame around how we are handling our money can lead us to lie to ourselves and keep it as a secret from others as if it is all our fault, when it is always more complicated than just that. Our sword-like minds are always parsing and sorting trying to make sense of what went wrong and what to do next, if we can just use the sharpened tool of brain to solve for x, y, z. Notice there is water flowing in the background, and as with all fives change is inevitable. Put the swords down for a while.
Five of Wands
The Five of Wands is about conflict and power, about competition and pressure. When thinking about money and this card, I think of both the rat race and the idea of scarcity, that somehow if one person wins all the rest lose, that there’s not enough to go around. I have been lucky enough in the circles in which I run that the women entrepreneurs I consider my friends believe in collaboration, and that there is enough for everyone. But this is not the traditional American model. We fight to win, to be number one, to get what the other guy has, market share, customers, whatever seems valuable. I do not judge you if that’s where you are at. It is so easy to be in this mindset. It is what we are trained to do. I was in the corporate world for twenty years. I lived it, and as an enneagram 8, was even well suited for it. But it wasn’t healthy and didn’t make me happy. I’ll always have a competitive streak, it’s my nature, but I prefer to compete against myself than look for others to shoot down.
With all the Fives, and all the cards, and this little thing we call life, change is inevitable. For this I am grateful.
Xo Hanna