I Toss and Turn, I Can't Sleep at Night
The Nine of Swords And In Spite Of
There is so much hopelessness in my current orbit, so many people looking for answers, and I don’t have any, except for what seems to come out of my mouth in trite soundbites. And then I feel like crap because I’m trying to infuse a little bit of optimism and hope, and worry instead it might come off as gaslighting. I know everything is hard. I know the world seems to be exploding and collapsing and this is true. But if I go down a hopeless tunnel, can this possibly improve the situation, for me, for the people I care about, for the energy of the world? I’m not sugar coating the world situation but I am trying to keep some perspective about the inevitability of change, about the gratitude I have for every day. In spite of.
My best friend’s brother is really sick, kidney cancer and some other stuff they haven’t quite figured out. When I met her for sushi last night the first thing she said to me is “You think he’s going to die.” This is complicated for me, really complicated, because it brings me right back to where I was eight years ago, when Ben was diagnosed with brain cancer, and yes, I truly believed he would die. The nongermitomous germ cell tumor which had lodged in his pituitary and was bearing down on his optic nerve, had already made him half blind with no hormone function left. Now he had to go through chemotherapy and radiation which left him at eight-five pounds, and barely a shell of a person.
I read every study and journal I could get my hands on and yes, I thought he was going to die.
In the midst of this, when he contracted bacterial meningitis from a spinal tap leak, and I had to give him iv infusions at home three times a day for weeks, yes I thought he was going to die.
When I had to get him a wheelchair because he couldn’t walk from the car inside the hospital, yes I thought he was going to die.
When he had a bad reaction to one of the in-hospital chemo drugs and hallucinated and didn’t know what year it was, and they called code whatever it is when all hands need to be on deck, and he had to go back to the ICU, yes I thought he was going to die.
When the morphine refills got bigger and bigger and it was obvious how dependent he was on the pills, yes I thought he was going to die.
The prognosis was bad. He had the worst of the worst of this kind of cancer, and yes I thought he was going to die.
When they fitted him for this scary white mask he needed to wear for radiation treatment, and he was stuck in a machine unable to move for forty sessions, yes I thought he was going to die.
So, maybe as much as I do perhaps jump to the conclusion that Dave might die, Ben didn’t die. I was so sure that if the cancer didn’t kill him, the treatment would. But he survived. In spite of it all.
Life is harder for Ben in some ways than for his able bodied peers. He can’t drive at night. He will take six medications a day for the rest of his life. He tires easily. He gets depressed. But he earned his Bachelor’s and his his Master’s degree in disability studies and works at a nearby college. He helped found an AI start up which has developed a tool to help the blind. He lives independently and pays his own bills. He is what most would consider a success. He fought and he won. He survived. But at a massive cost to him, and to us all. So I told my friend that no I don’t think her brother is going to die. I think he is going to go through some very rough treatment which is going to be hard for him to endure, and hard for his family to witness, but I don’t think he is going to die. In spite of what it looks like right now.
I viscerally remember the period my friend’s family is emerging from right now: THE DIAGNOSIS. For us diagnosis took eight weeks because the cancer Ben had was so rare, maybe fifty cases a year in the U.S. , and they honestly couldn’t figure it out. Her brother’s diagnosis has taken longer than that. The waiting to know what it is and what to do next is awful, purgatory. The desire is so great for answers, and then when the answers do finally come it is a relief (WE HAVE A PLAN!), but then another shock when you find out what the plan is, to basically take the person down to the struts, and then rebuild, though there are some parts which are irretrievable. Then when it’s over (GRADUATION!—THEY LITERALLY RING A BELL, DELIVER A CERTIFICATE, GIVE A COIN), you think all will go back to the way it was. But in our case it was a full year of RECOVERY from the brutal treatment, and again some parts are just unrecoverable, sights can’t be unseen, words cannot be taken back. We are all changed.
So no, I don’t think he is going to die, but I know what we went through and it is tragic. In spite of.
The Nine of Swords
The Nine of Swords is fear, pure but not simple. The Nine of Swords is anxiety and the brain churning with thoughts that can’t be dismissed. The Nine of Swords is one of those cards that it’s hard to find a silver lining for. The Nine of Swords is overtired and tragic. The Nine of Swords catastrophizes and sometimes has very good reason. The Nine of Swords asks What if? What if? The Nine of Swords may be the enneagram 6 personified. But The Nine of Swords can also answer “In spite of…” The Nine of Swords can answer “In spite of this tragedy, I will go on.” The Nine of Swords can and must reach out for support and help, if she can lift her head and realize she is not alone.
In Dali’s depiction below, named “The Immaculate Conception,” there is confirmation of hope in the bird flying skyward, though the images of Mary (possibly Magdalene) and Death’s shadow beside her suggest similar feelings as the other Nine of Swords renditions. Perhaps it is in fact necessary to move through a certain level of anguish and anxiety as we process tragedy in our lives.
Offerings
I will be out of the country for the next two weeks visiting Guatemala for the first time. I’m sure I’ll send a post from Antigua or Lake Atitlan.
Look out for a workshop offering the last week in December. My colleague Laurie Blackwell and I will be teaching a seminar to help you pick your card of the year for 2024. It will be on Thursday, December 28th at 4pm PST. Details to come!
Year ahead spreads for 2024 are beginning to book now. I look forward to helping you get your 2024 off to an amazing start.
xo H